Seed stage · Backed by nobody · Operating since the day the season ended
The world's most persistent basketball opportunity discovery engine.
{{mom}} has been finding {{daughter}} a team since the final buzzer of last season. Gyms have been located. Coaches have been identified. Personal cell numbers have been, regrettably, acquired. Nobody has replied. The search continues.
No coach featured on this site has consented to appear on this site.
Operating across
- AAU (allegedly)
- Facebook Group #38
- {{gym}} · 5:00 AM
- Three Unreturned Voicemails
- Coach D.'s Block List
The Platform
A repeatable, four-step methodology.
Most parents give up after the first unanswered email. Our methodology is designed to make giving up structurally impossible.
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01
Locate
Every gym within a ninety-minute radius. Every roster. Every coach's LinkedIn, Instagram, church directory, and — regrettably — personal cell.
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02
Contact
A warm, professional, extremely thorough introduction. Sent at 11:47 PM. On a Sunday. With a photo attachment.
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03
Follow Up
Three business days is considered a reasonable window. It has been eleven minutes.
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04
Follow Up Again
See step 03. Then see step 03. Then see step 03.
Analytics
The search, by the numbers.
Real-time outreach telemetry, updated continuously whether or not anyone wants it to be.
Messages sent vs. replies received
Trailing eight months · all channels
Reply rate has held steady at 0.0% for eight consecutive months, demonstrating remarkable consistency.
Training
Workout of the day.
The search is a physical discipline. Programming is posted daily and is not up for discussion.
TODAY
21 – 15 – 9
- Emails sent
- Coaches DM'd
- Burpees while awaiting callback
Cap: 20:00 · Scale as needed
Do not scale.
Current PRs
- Back squat
- 225 lb
- Deadlift
- 275 lb
- 5K
- 24:18
- Coaches DM'd, unbroken
- 19
- Consecutive 5 AM alarms
- 214
- Rest days taken
- —
She out-lifted three varsity players in the parking lot. They also did not reply.
Customers
Coaches are talking.
Names withheld at their request, and in several cases at the request of their attorneys.
"I have never met this woman and she knows my entire roster."
"How did you get this number."
"Please stop tagging me in the pinned post. I wrote the pinned post."
"She was in the lobby before I unlocked the gym. I do not know how she got to the lobby."
"Honestly? Number {{jersey}} can play. That was never the issue."
"I coach volleyball. I have coached volleyball for nineteen years. I have now explained this four times."
"She was running our scoreboard by the second quarter. Nobody asked her to run the scoreboard. She was, in fairness, excellent at it."
"It's fine. I stopped looking at her phone in April."
"She is unreasonably aggressive about the chair."
Pricing
Simple, transparent, ruinous.
Every plan includes unlimited outreach, unlimited follow-up, and zero responses.
Rec League
$0/mo
One (1) group text. Practices are Tuesdays. Possibly. Nobody has confirmed.
- Gym located
- Coach identified
- Season ends before you hear back
- Actual roster spot
Travel Ball
$2,400/mo
Plus tournament fees, hotel, gas, concessions, and every weekend between now and June.
- Everything in Rec League
- Four-hour drives, each way
- A team hoodie you will pay $85 for
- Hotel breakfast, indefinitely
AAU Elite
Contact us
Actually, don't. We already have your number. We'll reach out Tuesday.
- Everything in Travel Ball
- Exposure™
- A coach who does not know your name
- An 8:00 AM game in another state
Support
Frequently asked questions.
Is any of this legal?
Largely.
How did you get my number?
You posted it in 2019, in a comment, on a photograph of a gym floor. The internet is forever. So is {{mom}}.
Do you ever stop?
The season ended in March. It is currently later.
What happens if I say no?
Completely understood. Circling back Tuesday.
Why is there a cat sitting on this button?
That would be {{cat1}}. You'll have to move her yourself. She does not move for us either, and this is our website.
Is CrazyBasketballMom™ a real company?
No. Legal insisted we say that. There is no legal.
Has this approach worked?
Define "worked."
Join the waitlist.
Be among the first to be contacted repeatedly.
We will never share your information. We will, however, use it.